I will warn you up front this will be one of my longest blogs yet!
Almost 40 days ago now I began my weight loss journey. As far as weight loss is concerned, I've lost half a stone, and I can say hand on heart I look no different. To me half a stone is just a drop in the ocean. Yes it's a start, not a very good one, but a start none the less. In that time I would have liked to have at least doubled that figure, but I didn't, and despite this, the challenge did achieve a necessary change!
When looking back at myself at the beginning of the challenge, on a psychological level I am looking at a completely different person. I see a person with numerous emotional and psychological ties that each in turn took a chunk out of my own personal happiness and overall well being.
Where these ties came from, well some I have my suspicions, some I'm sure if I sat and dwelled long enough I'd discover a deep and meaningful under lying cause and some I'm sure have no base in reality what-so-ever. Who knows, but more importantly, who cares!
Beware the ties that bind - for these are the restrictions you place upon yourself. Hang on a mo, I'll fetch the scissors.
So there I was back then, hating myself, hating the scales, hating food, and generally dissatisfied with life. Now there's a pretty picture ain't it!
I knew, as I still know now, my desired end result, not just with weight loss, but in life, career, home etc. The problem is knowing the destination is simply not good enough, even thinking you know how you're going to achieve your goals isn't enough. If you don't release that which is really tieing you down, even though you may think you're moving in the right direction, you're not.
I thought I had the answer. I was going to lose 1 lb every day, reach my goal weight quickly and be happy ever after. I was going to achieve this by restricting my calorie intake and exercising like there was no tomorrow. Before you all start tutting or shouting at me, I want you to note the over use of 'past tense' in the paragraph.
Good in theory? well no, but I thought it was. So on day one, I stepped on the scales, 2lbs off - great! Day two, I stepped on the scales, 1 lb off - still great! Day three, I stepped on the scales, another 1 lb off - this is going so well. Day three - um, so hungry I end up eating that blasted horse, now hung up on the fact that I've just undone the past three days. Day four, I stepped on the scales - oh bugga, I have. Feel really depressed and like a complete failure. Vow to do another week of the above before I step back on the scales. And so we go on. This is literally the rut I had gotten myself in.
Weighing yourself every single day, no matter how you try and dress it up, is an unhealthy obsession. It's an addiction, pure and simple.
So when Paul McKenna suggests as part of his I can make you thin plan, that maybe you only weigh yourself once every two weeks, or even just once a month, well in theory I could see the logic. But getting off those scales were really hard!! I had a real battle with myself, and in the beginning I'd justify to myself that I was having 'just a quick check' on my weight loss progress. So what happens, when the scales didn't move, or it went up (because I wasn't actually following the plan and reverted back to old habits), I'd get disheartened, feel like a failure and vow to do better. Which let's be honest, I never did.
I took some much needed time out this morning to reflect on my life and I suppose if I had made any headway what-so-ever.
Actually, when looking at where I am as opposed to where I was:
- I'm more aware of the feeling of actual hunger, and can recognise when the hunger is physical or emotional.
- I'm learning to accept that actually, I'm not so bad after all
- I've banished the scales. I don't need them right now, and I have no desire to continue to be dictated to by the results they show.
- I'm learning more about the correct portion sizes for me, and accept that smaller portions are not only fine, but normal!
Frankly this list could go on for quite a bit! But the most important revelation of all is that I will NEVER touch another so called 'diet' ever again!
I'm listening very carefully to what my body needs, and what it doesn't need is another 'crash diet'. It doesn't need to be told that it can only have liquids, or a combination of liquids and so called 'meals'. It doesn't need to be told that it can only eat certain foods on certain days, or count calories or 'points' or fat content or weigh and measure every thing!
My father once said to me 'everything in moderation', and you know, I never really appreciated this little saying - until now.
Beware the ties that bind - my true ties were feeling as if I had to 'diet' and constantly weigh myself in order to gain acceptance in the world.
Well I will tell you right now - NOT ANY MORE!!! My body knows what it wants, and you know what, I'm jolly well going to work WITH it and give it exactly what it wants, instead of working against it and trying to starve or restrict the energy it needs to live.
Don't think for one minute I have completely potty and am on the road for gaining a million pounds in weight and become Britain's fattest female! Oh no, on the contrary, I have every intention of only eating when I'm hungry, stopping when I'm full even (gasp!) throwing away food I can't eat, or at least storing the left overs until such a time my body is physically hungry again.
My future is bright. My future is very shiny. My future involves reaching a healthy weight which is perfect for me. My future is freedom from those negative ties, freedom from diets, freedom from constantly weighing myself and obsessing that I 'Should' be this weight by this date.
I am putting my 'weight loss challenge' to bed now, once and for all. I'm not going to stop blogging by any stretch of the imagination, I enjoy it! so why stop!!?
And yes, I'll still report on my weight loss, and share, perhaps in more detail, all the things I'm learning and experiencing along the way.
Today I have realised that without all these binds, my future has suddenly become so squeezabley good! It's crazy but all this weight has been lifted completely from my shoulders!
I've got my zest for life back - and frankly I'm now just itching to go out and just live!
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