Well blow me, another successful day! (this is starting to become a habit!).
Actually managed a video dairy yesterday morning, which is trying to upload onto YouTube as we speak. I have managed to upload a couple I have done previously (before I decided to do PM's programme) just as a bit of a taster of how I was coping with life before (or not as was the case). Did attempt the new one last night, but it came up with an error message and failed to upload (boo hoo), so fingers crossed this will work now (have just checked the progress, at least I'm seeing the 'preview' as it downloads, so signs (touch wood) are good!).
Also finally started exercising again, did usual toning stuff (arms / legs / abs), and then did a 10 minute walk / jog on the treadmill. Somewhere along the lines I managed to pull something in my upper thigh as it twinged on and off for most of the day. Well, you know what they say no pain......actually I'd rather leave it there, I'm not very good with pain!
Food wise, I tried to gauge where I was on the hunger scale. When I thought I was hungry I decided to have tuna & crackers, but only managed 1 cracker and a few teaspoonful of tuna before I started to feel quite full and bloated, so put the rest of it back in the fridge. I did go back to the tuna later on when I thought I was feeling hungry, and automatically stopped when I had had enough. Usually I can polish of a can in one sitting (including a number of crackers), so this does signal progress to me!
Evening meal wasn't eaten so consciously. Firstly I didn't gauge whether or not I was actually hungry, and secondly, I was feeling quite annoyed at something or other, so on reflection I ate more emotionally. Still, it was only spicy chicken & homemade chips done in the oven so really I'd hardly call it a 'slip up'. I didn't feel hungry, or eat anything throughout the rest of the evening (despite settling down to watch a film, and other half munching on Bombay mix (which he offered to me) and butter popcorn (which he also try to offer me!!). But suffice to say, I actually wasn't interested at all, I was more concerned about keep hydrated so sipped a couple of 750ml bottles of water.
Finally got around to doing the 'mirror exercise' yesterday. Oh dear, I knew I didn't like myself much, but it really brought home how much self loathing I actually do have for myself :(
There are three stages you have to go through. The first is shutting your eyes, imagining that you are someone who loves themselves, and then when you can hold onto and feel comfortable with that feeling, you open yours eyes and stare into them for two minutes. I thought my imagination was better than that, but could I think of a single person? It took me ages, and even then the person I chose I wasn't convinced, so ended up pretending the person was me. Needless to say, I'm not sure the exercise worked in the way it was supposed to.
Step two was closing your eyes, and remembering a compliment someone had paid you, and then you try to imagine seeing yourself through their eyes. I believe I skipped this step as i don't remember doing it!
Finally Step Three, in a nutshell you look at yourself in the mirror (without clothes, or in my case just my underwear), and basically have a good long look at yourself for about a minute or two. I did this last step, and got quite annoyed. Bottom line, I really did despise what I saw (strong word I know, but it was truly how I felt at the time). On the bright side I could start to see how I would look if some bits were 'shaved' off (I just need one of those sanders they use to shave down doors!). In the end I put my clothes back on a walked off in disgust.
And the moral of the story? Well, at least I have started to face up to my body which I have never done. With the hunger scale thing seemingly to be working so far, my next project is getting the Helly Love back (or just the Helly Like would be a great start!). So I guess this means more time in front of the mirror just 'looking' at myself. I'm sure with practice I'll get better, just need to give this whole 'friendly mirror exercise' thingy a chance.
So with the mirror exercise done, I am pleased to report that was able to finally tick everything off in the 90 day journal hurray!
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